[...We are maybe five minutes into this and this is already so, so far above his pay grade. Everything about the past little while is so far above his pay grade, between you and Derek and...just, everything.]
Well...I can't say that I didn't prefer not knowing about any of this, and not being on the network as a whole. Because I rather did prefer it that way. But it's not as though it's completely outside of my ability to handle it - you're not going to get any further attempts at contacting you at some hideous hour of the night, at any rate.
I can't exactly say I didn't mind it, but if you needed help like that again, I wouldn't hesitate.
[It's still sort of blunted in a way he doesn't usually get. He's trying really hard to put this in a way that's halfway elegant and he's absolutely not succeeding.]
I... know we've certainly had some difficulties, but I...
[mmmmmmngh there has got to be a better way to put this—]
[...Oh, god. Okay. So now we're both embarrassed and we don't know what to do about anything and why is life so terrible- ]
I can't say I've never needed to be told, you know - I did ask my closest friend once if he would care if I died, so it isn't as though I know what I'm doing right now, either.
Ah, I'm not saying that I didn't think you'd know...
[oh my god. okay, hang on.]
I'm... sort of terrible at this. As if that wasn't obvious enough already. It's...
[mmmmmmngh.]
I've been thinking a lot about my past life, and the relationships I had back then. I don't want to be anything like he was, and part of my concern there is how he treated people as tools. I don't want to do that.
I do like you and I know I'm not always very clear about that. I'm trying to be more honest. It's... obviously a work on progress...
I didn't think- ...Well, at the beginning that was obviously what you were doing, but with regards to using me in any way, I haven't believed that in a while. I admit that I haven't always known what you want, but that's more because I don't tend to know what most people want.
[...That's a little blunter than he would have liked it to be, a bit too high on the honesty scale, and he flinches a little before trying to shake it off.]
[Jaeger's quiet for a moment, trying to figure out how to respond to that.]
...Four years ago someone I was very close to used my trust against me and I ended up in a tight spot because of it. Since then I've had a very hard time opening up to people and even being honest with myself. I'm still relearning things I used to be able to do easily, and it's... a very difficult process.
So it's not your fault at all. I'm fickle and flighty in general, but I always made a point to be as difficult to read as possible to avoid that happening again. It's certainly not something I'm trying to do anymore, but old habits die hard.
I... do apologize for how I treated you at first. I really am ashamed of that.
He's quiet for a moment, fussing with his clothes a bit even though there's nothing about them worth fussing over, and it takes him a second to find words. He really just wants to brush this whole thing off, to ignore it and declare everything done for the day, but...]
If anything, I tend to understand people acting like that better than anything else. Wanting something from others is just the natural way of things, it's just usually the concept of what you want from someone that changes. I haven't...earned anything else from anyone.
[This is kind of weird to talk about, but he's at least trying.]
It makes sense to me that you wouldn't actually care - not because of you, but because people won't care unless you make them care, and it isn't as though I've done anything to warrant it.
I'm aware that people don't care about me. It's more confusing to me that you do. It makes more sense for that to all be lies as well.
[...okay this is entirely too much discussion of his issues we're going to back the fuck up now if nobody minds - ]
Don't worry about it, either way. Consider what happened back then to be a nonissue.
[Oh, that's... Hmm. That's certainly interesting. Jaeger tips his head a bit as he considers that. It's something he does want to press on and ask more about because it's interesting, because he doesn't understand that thought process... But ultimately he decides against it.]
I really do appreciate that you've shared this with me. Perhaps someday we can talk more about that.
Thank you for listening. And for taking me seriously! I meant to figure out how to express this a bit better, so I apologize for that being... a mess.
[He tried really hard? Sometimes that's really the most you can manage.]
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Well...I can't say that I didn't prefer not knowing about any of this, and not being on the network as a whole. Because I rather did prefer it that way. But it's not as though it's completely outside of my ability to handle it - you're not going to get any further attempts at contacting you at some hideous hour of the night, at any rate.
no subject
[...]
I can't exactly say I didn't mind it, but if you needed help like that again, I wouldn't hesitate.
[It's still sort of blunted in a way he doesn't usually get. He's trying really hard to put this in a way that's halfway elegant and he's absolutely not succeeding.]
I... know we've certainly had some difficulties, but I...
[mmmmmmngh there has got to be a better way to put this—]
...I'm actually rather fond of you, you know.
no subject
[...What do you say to something like that?]
...All right?
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Yes, well. I... thought it was important to say it, since again I'm... a bit of a difficult person with regards to this sort of thing.
[oh my god he'd rather die. he would actually prefer to be dead right now, this is somehow the most embarrassing thing.]
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I can't say I've never needed to be told, you know - I did ask my closest friend once if he would care if I died, so it isn't as though I know what I'm doing right now, either.
no subject
[oh my god. okay, hang on.]
I'm... sort of terrible at this. As if that wasn't obvious enough already. It's...
[mmmmmmngh.]
I've been thinking a lot about my past life, and the relationships I had back then. I don't want to be anything like he was, and part of my concern there is how he treated people as tools. I don't want to do that.
I do like you and I know I'm not always very clear about that. I'm trying to be more honest. It's... obviously a work on progress...
no subject
I didn't think- ...Well, at the beginning that was obviously what you were doing, but with regards to using me in any way, I haven't believed that in a while. I admit that I haven't always known what you want, but that's more because I don't tend to know what most people want.
[...That's a little blunter than he would have liked it to be, a bit too high on the honesty scale, and he flinches a little before trying to shake it off.]
I...appreciate being told, however.
no subject
...Four years ago someone I was very close to used my trust against me and I ended up in a tight spot because of it. Since then I've had a very hard time opening up to people and even being honest with myself. I'm still relearning things I used to be able to do easily, and it's... a very difficult process.
So it's not your fault at all. I'm fickle and flighty in general, but I always made a point to be as difficult to read as possible to avoid that happening again. It's certainly not something I'm trying to do anymore, but old habits die hard.
I... do apologize for how I treated you at first. I really am ashamed of that.
no subject
He's quiet for a moment, fussing with his clothes a bit even though there's nothing about them worth fussing over, and it takes him a second to find words. He really just wants to brush this whole thing off, to ignore it and declare everything done for the day, but...]
If anything, I tend to understand people acting like that better than anything else. Wanting something from others is just the natural way of things, it's just usually the concept of what you want from someone that changes. I haven't...earned anything else from anyone.
[This is kind of weird to talk about, but he's at least trying.]
It makes sense to me that you wouldn't actually care - not because of you, but because people won't care unless you make them care, and it isn't as though I've done anything to warrant it.
I'm aware that people don't care about me. It's more confusing to me that you do. It makes more sense for that to all be lies as well.
[...okay this is entirely too much discussion of his issues we're going to back the fuck up now if nobody minds - ]
Don't worry about it, either way. Consider what happened back then to be a nonissue.
no subject
I really do appreciate that you've shared this with me. Perhaps someday we can talk more about that.
Thank you for listening. And for taking me seriously! I meant to figure out how to express this a bit better, so I apologize for that being... a mess.
[He tried really hard? Sometimes that's really the most you can manage.]
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...Yes, of course. Anytime you like.
[...]
And I... Well, you do know the feeling is mutual, right? I do like you and all.
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I thought that might be the case. You certainly have warmed up to me a bit more! I'm glad to hear it though, thank you.
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[...okay look just because you're trying not to be a flippant asshole doesn't mean he's not going to be.]
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I have been trying to be a little less obnoxious! Obviously I can't turn it off entirely, I'd lose so much of my charm if I tried!
[oh my god that was not an excuse to just go back to this, jaeger.]