[Jaeger had said he'd talk to Cumore at some point, but it was something he always assumed would happen later, after he'd had time to figure out how to put his thoughts into words, and then translate that into something that sounds halfway normal. He hadn't thought Cumore would be returning to Retrospec so soon, and he certainly hadn't thought he'd be having this conversation immediately.
But that's a good thing, isn't it? There's no sense in ignoring it, or pretending that everything is fine when it's already obvious that things have changed. Cumore's noticed it. It's not like he could keep this from Cumore forever. So. It's best to be honest.
...
Why is it so much harder to be honest with Cumore than it is with anyone else. He'd take telling the entire goddamn network about his blastia before being honest with Cumore about something involving feelings.
But he's already here, and he's already texted Cumore that he's here, so there's no backing down now. Jaeger gets out of the car, spends entirely too long straightening his suit, and finally approaches the door and knocks. And then continues to straighten his suit and mess with his sleeves and his gloves because today's just going to be like that.
This will go fine if he's honest. He just needs to be honest and not slip into his usual pattern of getting flippant and dismissive. He can do this.]
[The door will open eventually, though not without something of a production on the other side first; it's obvious Cumore is there, you can just hear a quiet "Koko- Koko, no" followed by the briefest of pauses, and then there's something of a very muted scuffle before the door is open and Cumore is there and he's holding his cat, and as usual it looks like it's sort of a miracle he's not getting dragged over by the fluffbeast, given that he's back to seeming very fragile while the cat is still approximately the size of a small child.
...Hi.]
It's been a little while since we've had visitors, I suppose she wanted to see who it is - well, don't just stand there, do come in.
[Jaeger's trying very hard not to burst out laughing by the time the door is open. This is cute, okay?? Oh my god. Look at you go. Your cat is a giant and you are a twig, this is hilarious.]
It's good of you to meet with me so soon! [not really.] I see your cat continues to be adorable, as usual.
[you know, when she's not glitching out— he is never telling you about that.
Anyway, he'll come in! Where are we headed and are you carrying your cat there?]
She was having some difficulties toward the end of the last month; I was brought back here by a friend of mine, so I was able to see her...ah, being interesting, I suppose.
["Interesting."
That said, come on, we're going to...probably that one side room with the bar, honestly, we've got couches and stuff in there, it'll probably be fine. ...He's bringing the cat but he'll put her down on the couch next to him once he's there.
Maybe you don't want an audience or something but also: she's a cat, it'll be fine.]
Ah, I understand. My boyfriend's dogs were certainly having quite a few problems all throughout the month...
[He shrugs a bit at that.
Anyway, the cat's fine! The cat is something he can focus on that is not Cumore, so the cat is absolutely appreciated. He'll take a seat and... do his best to relax a bit because wow, this is not going to be fun.]
[The cat may wander over to you for a while, because the cat vaguely remembers you but mostly just wants to sniff you and be in your business for a moment because such is cat.
[Oh, look at you, you're such a precious fluffball... He's going to give you so many pets and his boyfriend's dogs are going to hate him when he comes home...]
Ah, yes it's...
[...How does he... put this...]
Well, when we were talking you seemed confused as to why I'd express concern about you.
[Okay, that's a starting point. Good, he can work with that.]
I know I can be rather... difficult to deal with sometimes, and I can be very insincere and flippant. It's... Well, to be perfectly honest, it's something that I've been trying to work on.
[His tone is surprisingly even, though his posture's still tense even as he's petting the cat.]
...I expressed concern about you because I am concerned about you. It wasn't fake. All of this is a bit much, and I can imagine returning to it is a massive pain. You've made it very clear that you hate this and would much rather be off the network, after all.
So I really do want to make sure you're doing okay, at least right now.
[Okay, so it's a bit stunted and eye contact is definitely not a thing, but he's doing his best. It's not exactly what he wants to say either, but it's a good starting place, he thinks.]
[...We are maybe five minutes into this and this is already so, so far above his pay grade. Everything about the past little while is so far above his pay grade, between you and Derek and...just, everything.]
Well...I can't say that I didn't prefer not knowing about any of this, and not being on the network as a whole. Because I rather did prefer it that way. But it's not as though it's completely outside of my ability to handle it - you're not going to get any further attempts at contacting you at some hideous hour of the night, at any rate.
I can't exactly say I didn't mind it, but if you needed help like that again, I wouldn't hesitate.
[It's still sort of blunted in a way he doesn't usually get. He's trying really hard to put this in a way that's halfway elegant and he's absolutely not succeeding.]
I... know we've certainly had some difficulties, but I...
[mmmmmmngh there has got to be a better way to put this—]
[...Oh, god. Okay. So now we're both embarrassed and we don't know what to do about anything and why is life so terrible- ]
I can't say I've never needed to be told, you know - I did ask my closest friend once if he would care if I died, so it isn't as though I know what I'm doing right now, either.
Ah, I'm not saying that I didn't think you'd know...
[oh my god. okay, hang on.]
I'm... sort of terrible at this. As if that wasn't obvious enough already. It's...
[mmmmmmngh.]
I've been thinking a lot about my past life, and the relationships I had back then. I don't want to be anything like he was, and part of my concern there is how he treated people as tools. I don't want to do that.
I do like you and I know I'm not always very clear about that. I'm trying to be more honest. It's... obviously a work on progress...
I didn't think- ...Well, at the beginning that was obviously what you were doing, but with regards to using me in any way, I haven't believed that in a while. I admit that I haven't always known what you want, but that's more because I don't tend to know what most people want.
[...That's a little blunter than he would have liked it to be, a bit too high on the honesty scale, and he flinches a little before trying to shake it off.]
[Jaeger's quiet for a moment, trying to figure out how to respond to that.]
...Four years ago someone I was very close to used my trust against me and I ended up in a tight spot because of it. Since then I've had a very hard time opening up to people and even being honest with myself. I'm still relearning things I used to be able to do easily, and it's... a very difficult process.
So it's not your fault at all. I'm fickle and flighty in general, but I always made a point to be as difficult to read as possible to avoid that happening again. It's certainly not something I'm trying to do anymore, but old habits die hard.
I... do apologize for how I treated you at first. I really am ashamed of that.
He's quiet for a moment, fussing with his clothes a bit even though there's nothing about them worth fussing over, and it takes him a second to find words. He really just wants to brush this whole thing off, to ignore it and declare everything done for the day, but...]
If anything, I tend to understand people acting like that better than anything else. Wanting something from others is just the natural way of things, it's just usually the concept of what you want from someone that changes. I haven't...earned anything else from anyone.
[This is kind of weird to talk about, but he's at least trying.]
It makes sense to me that you wouldn't actually care - not because of you, but because people won't care unless you make them care, and it isn't as though I've done anything to warrant it.
I'm aware that people don't care about me. It's more confusing to me that you do. It makes more sense for that to all be lies as well.
[...okay this is entirely too much discussion of his issues we're going to back the fuck up now if nobody minds - ]
Don't worry about it, either way. Consider what happened back then to be a nonissue.
[Oh, that's... Hmm. That's certainly interesting. Jaeger tips his head a bit as he considers that. It's something he does want to press on and ask more about because it's interesting, because he doesn't understand that thought process... But ultimately he decides against it.]
I really do appreciate that you've shared this with me. Perhaps someday we can talk more about that.
Thank you for listening. And for taking me seriously! I meant to figure out how to express this a bit better, so I apologize for that being... a mess.
[He tried really hard? Sometimes that's really the most you can manage.]
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10/1
But that's a good thing, isn't it? There's no sense in ignoring it, or pretending that everything is fine when it's already obvious that things have changed. Cumore's noticed it. It's not like he could keep this from Cumore forever. So. It's best to be honest.
...
Why is it so much harder to be honest with Cumore than it is with anyone else. He'd take telling the entire goddamn network about his blastia before being honest with Cumore about something involving feelings.
But he's already here, and he's already texted Cumore that he's here, so there's no backing down now. Jaeger gets out of the car, spends entirely too long straightening his suit, and finally approaches the door and knocks. And then continues to straighten his suit and mess with his sleeves and his gloves because today's just going to be like that.
This will go fine if he's honest. He just needs to be honest and not slip into his usual pattern of getting flippant and dismissive. He can do this.]
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...Hi.]
It's been a little while since we've had visitors, I suppose she wanted to see who it is - well, don't just stand there, do come in.
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It's good of you to meet with me so soon! [not really.] I see your cat continues to be adorable, as usual.
[you know, when she's not glitching out— he is never telling you about that.
Anyway, he'll come in! Where are we headed and are you carrying your cat there?]
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["Interesting."
That said, come on, we're going to...probably that one side room with the bar, honestly, we've got couches and stuff in there, it'll probably be fine. ...He's bringing the cat but he'll put her down on the couch next to him once he's there.
Maybe you don't want an audience or something but also: she's a cat, it'll be fine.]
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[He shrugs a bit at that.
Anyway, the cat's fine! The cat is something he can focus on that is not Cumore, so the cat is absolutely appreciated. He'll take a seat and... do his best to relax a bit because wow, this is not going to be fun.]
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[The cat may wander over to you for a while, because the cat vaguely remembers you but mostly just wants to sniff you and be in your business for a moment because such is cat.
Anyway.]
You said you had something to discuss with me...?
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Ah, yes it's...
[...How does he... put this...]
Well, when we were talking you seemed confused as to why I'd express concern about you.
[Okay, that's a starting point. Good, he can work with that.]
I know I can be rather... difficult to deal with sometimes, and I can be very insincere and flippant. It's... Well, to be perfectly honest, it's something that I've been trying to work on.
[His tone is surprisingly even, though his posture's still tense even as he's petting the cat.]
...I expressed concern about you because I am concerned about you. It wasn't fake. All of this is a bit much, and I can imagine returning to it is a massive pain. You've made it very clear that you hate this and would much rather be off the network, after all.
So I really do want to make sure you're doing okay, at least right now.
[Okay, so it's a bit stunted and eye contact is definitely not a thing, but he's doing his best. It's not exactly what he wants to say either, but it's a good starting place, he thinks.]
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Well...I can't say that I didn't prefer not knowing about any of this, and not being on the network as a whole. Because I rather did prefer it that way. But it's not as though it's completely outside of my ability to handle it - you're not going to get any further attempts at contacting you at some hideous hour of the night, at any rate.
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[...]
I can't exactly say I didn't mind it, but if you needed help like that again, I wouldn't hesitate.
[It's still sort of blunted in a way he doesn't usually get. He's trying really hard to put this in a way that's halfway elegant and he's absolutely not succeeding.]
I... know we've certainly had some difficulties, but I...
[mmmmmmngh there has got to be a better way to put this—]
...I'm actually rather fond of you, you know.
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[...What do you say to something like that?]
...All right?
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Yes, well. I... thought it was important to say it, since again I'm... a bit of a difficult person with regards to this sort of thing.
[oh my god he'd rather die. he would actually prefer to be dead right now, this is somehow the most embarrassing thing.]
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I can't say I've never needed to be told, you know - I did ask my closest friend once if he would care if I died, so it isn't as though I know what I'm doing right now, either.
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[oh my god. okay, hang on.]
I'm... sort of terrible at this. As if that wasn't obvious enough already. It's...
[mmmmmmngh.]
I've been thinking a lot about my past life, and the relationships I had back then. I don't want to be anything like he was, and part of my concern there is how he treated people as tools. I don't want to do that.
I do like you and I know I'm not always very clear about that. I'm trying to be more honest. It's... obviously a work on progress...
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I didn't think- ...Well, at the beginning that was obviously what you were doing, but with regards to using me in any way, I haven't believed that in a while. I admit that I haven't always known what you want, but that's more because I don't tend to know what most people want.
[...That's a little blunter than he would have liked it to be, a bit too high on the honesty scale, and he flinches a little before trying to shake it off.]
I...appreciate being told, however.
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...Four years ago someone I was very close to used my trust against me and I ended up in a tight spot because of it. Since then I've had a very hard time opening up to people and even being honest with myself. I'm still relearning things I used to be able to do easily, and it's... a very difficult process.
So it's not your fault at all. I'm fickle and flighty in general, but I always made a point to be as difficult to read as possible to avoid that happening again. It's certainly not something I'm trying to do anymore, but old habits die hard.
I... do apologize for how I treated you at first. I really am ashamed of that.
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He's quiet for a moment, fussing with his clothes a bit even though there's nothing about them worth fussing over, and it takes him a second to find words. He really just wants to brush this whole thing off, to ignore it and declare everything done for the day, but...]
If anything, I tend to understand people acting like that better than anything else. Wanting something from others is just the natural way of things, it's just usually the concept of what you want from someone that changes. I haven't...earned anything else from anyone.
[This is kind of weird to talk about, but he's at least trying.]
It makes sense to me that you wouldn't actually care - not because of you, but because people won't care unless you make them care, and it isn't as though I've done anything to warrant it.
I'm aware that people don't care about me. It's more confusing to me that you do. It makes more sense for that to all be lies as well.
[...okay this is entirely too much discussion of his issues we're going to back the fuck up now if nobody minds - ]
Don't worry about it, either way. Consider what happened back then to be a nonissue.
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I really do appreciate that you've shared this with me. Perhaps someday we can talk more about that.
Thank you for listening. And for taking me seriously! I meant to figure out how to express this a bit better, so I apologize for that being... a mess.
[He tried really hard? Sometimes that's really the most you can manage.]
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...Yes, of course. Anytime you like.
[...]
And I... Well, you do know the feeling is mutual, right? I do like you and all.
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I thought that might be the case. You certainly have warmed up to me a bit more! I'm glad to hear it though, thank you.
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[...okay look just because you're trying not to be a flippant asshole doesn't mean he's not going to be.]
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I have been trying to be a little less obnoxious! Obviously I can't turn it off entirely, I'd lose so much of my charm if I tried!
[oh my god that was not an excuse to just go back to this, jaeger.]